Browsing Category
Archive

Going through your significant other’s phone should be considered a cardinal temptation. A few swipes and a world of communications you’re not privy to is in your hands. A simple sentence could hold the power to make or break your relationship. It’s almost like being able to access some form of ultimate truth about a person.

I asked my Twitter followers what their thoughts on snooping were and it seemed to divide into two camps; the first was you should definitely check your significant other’s phone and the second was that it is a huge breach of trust and if you distrust your significant other to the point where you have to go through their phone you shouldn’t be with them.

I’ve been in both camps. I once checked my significant other of 3 years’ phone, found nothing and felt so dumb about it I never did it again. I’ve also had exes go through my phone, Facebook, emails, and even other people’s phones to check my communications with them. Admittedly they found some shady shit, and I was horrified by the violation of privacy. Because of these experiences it’s my current policy to never go through someone else’s phone.

Going through your significant other’s phone can only end in two ways, you find exactly what you were fearing most, or you receive reassurance and insurance that your partner is faithful at the cost of breaching their privacy.

1. The Cone Vibrator

This thing looks like a torture device but I fell for the marketing and bought one a long time ago. The things huge and made of soft rubber and the whole thing vibrates, but not hard enough. In theory, according to the instruction manual it can be used in multiple positions but the only practical ones I can think of are mounting the damn thing or putting it in your lap upside down. All I can say was this thing barely made me cum, and if I wanted that I’d pick up a guy at a bar not shell out $80 on a vibrator. I wish I could return the damn thing.

2. Back Massager

These things are horrible for so many reasons. Mainly because they’re not designed for clitoral stimulation but I was desperate and it was the only thing around that vibrated. They have two nodes so one has to go near your butt and I find the sensation highly distracting and not pleasurable at all. Also the vibration is way too hard and intense. Didn’t make me cum, thumbs down.

3. Vibrating Tongue Ring

Yes I once dated a guy with a tongue ring. It was a shameful part of my teenage past. But he decided to get a vibrating tongue ring for me and it sounded great, again in theory. But the reality of having a guy try to press his tongue up against me while his mouth was buzzing was off putting. Also because it’s so tiny it wasn’t powerful enough of a vibrator to get me off. Not to mention the thing looks like a fucking caterpillar.

4. Cheap Jelly Dildos of Any Kind

These things are literally hazardous for your health. The type of silicone/plastic they’re made with is not safe for your orifices. I’ve heard stories from a pornstar friend about some of them giving you a burning sensation when you put them in your mouth or nether regions. Stay away from these at all costs.

I’m petty. I’ll be the first to admit it. Though largely considered a negative trait there are few things in life better than petty victories. One of the sweetest and pettiest victories in life is having an ex who treated you like shit come crawling back. I’m not a good ex to crawl back to, at my worst I’m vindictive and take pleasure in cruelty when I believe the person is deserving. So when my ex somehow found me and started hitting me up on Instagram 8 years after it was over, I decided to take the low road and write an open letter about it.

Dear Ex,

It was highly entertaining to me that you decided to contact me after all these years. You sure know how to flatter a girl with likes and comments and messages recounting vivid details of the mediocre sex we had years ago when I was still a teenager. I felt the deepest pity for your girlfriend of 5 years as you told me I was better than her and chuckled at your insisting you were better looking than my husband. You left me your number numerous times, telling me to use it. I found the videos you sent me of yourself shirtless and working out in your parent’s basement, where I gather you still live, cringe inducing and hilarious at the same time, so did my friends. It was a bit disturbing but still hilarious when after I ignored you, you started sending me angry videos saying things like “You ain’t shit. You think you’re better than me?”. To which my response is, umm yeah I do think I’m better than you, that’s why I left you.

Objectively speaking you are in your thirties still have no education, no job skills, still live at your parents house, have a kid you can barely care for, and are basically still chasing the same coke dreams you were chasing 8 years ago while still being in the same exact position you were 8 years ago. I on the other hand am still in my twenties, educated, working, interning, trying to turn my passion into a career, married, moved around the country three times over i.e. not living with my parents, have no kids to worry about, and have plans and goals for the future. I really wish you the best of luck with everything, just nothing involving me.

Sincerely,

Your Ex-Girlfriend

Ladies, you may not know this but the fake male orgasm exists. I know that’s blowing some of y’all’s minds right now because we’re so wrapped up in faking our own orgasms it doesn’t occur to us that men fake them too.

For obvious reasons faking a male orgasm feels like it’d be a lot harder to accomplish because it’s hard to make fake jizz shoot out of your body. But it does happen. I asked some men if they had ever faked nuts and there were a surprising amount of men who said yes. This is what I gleaned from them.

One guy recognized the downfalls of faking it with a regular partner, “I usually only faked an orgasm if I was with someone that was in no way relationship material or someone I planned on fucking again”. The main reasons cited for faking nuts is not being into the sex or the girl. Another big reason cited was drugs, ranging from antidepressants to heroin.  It seems that in the same way women fake it to end a session that they know isn’t gonna end in the big finish, men do it too.

In terms of methods, the easiest way to conceal the non-evidence is to wear a condom, pretend to cum with noises, spasms, thrusting, and then pull out and quickly throw the condom in the trash can. When going raw the challenge is greater. One guy told me he drooled on a girls back to fake the orgasm, another told me he pretended to creampie the girl.

All this talk about fake male orgasms made me wonder if a guy had ever pulled it on me. And I’m pretty sure it happened to me once. I was going through a nymphomaniac stage, equating sex with love and therefore constantly demanding sex from my then boyfriend whether he wanted it or not. I recall one night we had already had sex several times during the day but I was demanding more, so he begrudgingly indulged me with a semi hard dick but during the “big finish” instead of pulling out as usual he pushed deeper in and let out a moan. What a shitty faker, at least I had the decency to fake it realistically for him. Fuck him he ain’t shit now anyways.

The fake male orgasm also exists rampantly in porn. I recall reading somewhere that Cetaphil face wash is sometimes used as a substitute for fake jizz in porn money shots. Imagine being the production assistant whose job it is to get the fake jizz color and consistency down? I would argue it’s like being the production assistant whose job it is to get the fake blood to look realistic in a gore film. Anyway, in addition to helping out pornstars who can’t cum on time, there is a subset of porn that features fake dicks squirting ludicrously large fake loads onto girls.

They say first impressions have a lasting impact. In person, first impressions are based on appearances and behavior: from what you look like, to how you dress, and the way you act. The same goes for first impressions in the online dating world, except on the internet all you have are pictures and words. In the online dating world your first impression is a profile picture. There are a lot of things you can do to creep out girls on the internet, at least get to the conversation part before you scare her off. Here are ten things you should never ever wear in your online dating profile

Speedos. I don’t care what country you’re from, Speedos for heterosexual men are never the look. The only digital dating place where Speedos can thrive is Grindr.

A sarong. Sarongs on a man are so wrong for so many reasons. Man skirts of all kinds are a no, but the sarong is the most egregious. Cultural appropriation aside, why are you wearing a woman’s thigh baring beach cover up to lure women?

A costume. Extra bad if it’s a head to toe costume that hides what you look like completely. I know Halloween is around the corner and you want to, but don’t.

A work name tag. Let’s be honest, women aren’t flocking to guys whose occupations require them to wear name tags, so let’s not advertise the fact that you stock groceries for a living in your profile picture. What you do for a living should be conveyed during conversation, not in your picture.

A fedora of any kind. Fedora hatred is cliche for a reason.

These leopard print boxer briefs with a leopard’s face where your junk is. Making your crotch the main focus of your profile picture is never the move, no woman finds that shit attractive. It’s humorous at best, but in a laughing at you, not laughing with you kinda way. Stay away from crotch-centric shots.

Your mode of transportation. This is a no win situation, either your car/bike/tractor is unimpressive, or your car is impressive and you look like an arrogant douche.

Those ugly reflective glasses that white guys, dads, and cops like to wear.

Your birthday suit. Save that for after she consents to seeing you naked.

A child. I know you think you’re scoring sensitivity brownie points with your infant nephew on your lap, but in reality you’re just scaring off girls who don’t want men with kids. Also if you do have kids, that’s something that should be discovered through conversation, not a profile picture.

Your bros. As a girl who dates online, a group pictures means I don’t know which one you are, and I’m not gonna take the effort to find out. Also sticking your less attractive friend into your dating profile to look better by comparison is a dick move.

Q: any tips on making a lame bachelor party (paint balling) more fun? or should I just fall back and let the groom ride the wave he wants to ride..?

It seems your friend knows what he wants to do, while you seem hung up on having an “un-lame bachelor party”.

Here’s a little story I was told by my homie who attended my wedding & honeymoon in Vegas and his friend’s bachelor party in Vegas all in the same month. For his homie’s bachelor party, all the friends who threw the bachelor party were hellbent on having a typical strip club ‘Hangover’ style experience. Long story short, their experience fell way short of their expectations, and in the process of trying to force themselves to have the time they thought they should be having, the guys had an awful time. 

In comparison, my homie said he had an amazing time at my wedding and honeymoon week. Him and others ended up missing flights and extending their stays to keep partying with me and Hubbington. My approach to planning was the exact opposite of his bachelor party friends. I had no grandiose ideas, I didn’t try to live up to some vision of what I thought my wedding and honeymoon should be like. I simply did exactly what I wanted to do without giving a shit what other people thought. I didn’t force any activities onto anyone, I just sent out a mass text everyday of what was on the menu and it was up to people to show up or not.

Let your boy do what he wants, it’s his bachelor party.

My mom had dressed me in frilly frocks when I was little so as soon as I was able to pick out my own clothes I went straight to the boy’s section. I loved basketball sneakers and anything baggy. I wore boxers over my panties and tucked my long hair under a baseball cap. This ended up working out nicely for my parents because me and my brother shared clothes for a chunk of our adolescence. By default, my clothing preference made me a “tomboy”. I was included in playground sports, most of the other girls weren’t. I had a few close girlfriends but the two worlds were separate. I ding dong ditched and stole liquor from parents’ cabinets with my guy friends, and shoplifted Lipsmackers with my girlfriends. I remember listening to Diego, the guy friend I had a painful crush on, talking about which girls in our class were wearing bras. In that moment I was one of the guys, privy to boy conversations about girls. But with that inclusion came a very heightened sense of self consciousness about the fact that I had yet to develop enough to wear a bra. Even at a young age boys are vicious about girls’ bodies. I remember silently sitting by while my guy friends picked off names of girls in our class and described them as “fat, ugly, or hot”. I was 12 then, with no concept of objectification of women, just a shrinking feeling in my stomach and the nagging question of where I measured up. Still I strived for acceptance from my male friends, I jumped fences, broke into abandoned buildings, snuck out at night, smoked cigarettes, drank beer. By college I was well versed in being one of the guys. I shared disgusting stories in graphic detail, played poker, took trips to Atlantic City, picked up girls for my guy friends, and talked disparagingly about the “random groupies” that would hang around after house parties.

Looking back, I’ve been “one of the guys” for most of my life, and after all this time I’ve finally realized that being one of the guys is not only overrated, it’s a trap. First of all, you don’t get any male privileges for being one of the guys. You don’t get paid equally for being one of the guys, you’re no less susceptible to sexual assault or domestic violence for being one of the guys. All you get is the warm fuzzy feeling of male acceptance.

Secondly, you have to not only endure an endless barrage of misogynistic comments, you will be compelled to cosign and join in on the misogyny. You see, being one of the guys is a sort of Stockholm Syndrome. You’ll laugh at the misogynistic jokes and join in the slut shaming, trying to be one of them while throwing your own under the bus. You’ll assimilate to gain approval and acceptance from guys, but ironically think of other girls as vapid for seeking male attention. You think being privy to locker room talk makes you one of the guys? It doesn’t. You’ll find yourself outwardly approving their behavior by laughing along while inwardly becoming wary of men and paranoid of being the subject of such talk. You think that if you asexualize yourself by not sleeping with any of them, it will set you apart from other girls, it doesn’t. You’ll find yourself trapped, joining in the disparaging of other women while policing your own behavior to avoid being disparaged.

image

Q: I have oily/acne prone skin with dark marks in some areas :|! do you have any skin regiments that you would recommend? I started using Mario Badescu’s products, but I wanted to know of your currents favorites since your skin looks so flawless!

A: I’m not big into sticking to one product line’s regimen. I’ma product slut. But this is my basic skincare philosophy

1. CLEANSE REALLY WELL. I swear by pre-cleansing with oil

2. Face wash + clarisonic brush

3. Exfoliate chemically, not physically. Think fruit acids, enzymes, AHAs and stay away from grainy shit like St. Ives Apricot Scrub (that shit is suitable for my feet IMO)

4. Day Serum – something with Vitamin C, hyaluronic acid, AHAs.

5. Moisturizer/Sunscreen – I combine this step because I’m lazy and lots of moisturizers have SPF

6. Serum + heavy cream or oil at night 

7. Good for your skin makeup when you wear it

8. Weekly masks

Oily and acne prone skin needs oil cleansing (sounds scary, works miracles), I use Erborian Solid Cleansing Oil, it’s a Korean brand available at Sephora. You also need more than just your hands when cleansing your face, I highly recommend you invest in a Clarisonic brush, I’ve had mine through like 5 boyfriends and a husband and it’s still going. I would also recommend anything with high doses of vitamin C, they’ll lighten the dark marks, even your skin tone, and help with oiliness – Philosophy makes a pure vitamin C powder that you can mix into existing moisturizer or foundation, it’s powerful stuff.

As for what I currently use, it’s expensive and if finsubs weren’t funding these habits I wouldn’t buy them. By Sunday Riley – Ceramic Slip Cleanser, Good Genes Serum, Luna Night Oil at night. Dermadoctor Photo Dynamic Therapy 3 in 1 SPF 30 during the day as moisturizer/sun screen. I also use Dr. Dennis Gross’s Alpha Beta Daily Peel (comes in sensitive to extra strength) after cleansing from time to time to exfoliate chemically. I prefer chemical exfoliation to physical/abrasive exfoliation.

I’m also super careful about what kinda of makeup I wear on my skin, namely primer, foundation, concealer. I have Hourglass primer, Hourglass foundation in both the matte and original formula, Kat Von D Lock It Foundation, and Kat Von D concealer.

For weekly masks I love Ole Henriksen Berry Enzyme, Kate Somerville Exfoliate, First Aid Beauty Red Clay Mask

Hope this helps and isn’t too overwhelming. Koreans have intense skincare routines.

image


Oh money. We love it, we hate it, we need it, and we’re supposed to magically teach ourselves how to handle it by the time we’re adults. I’ve made and spent lots of money, but I’ve done a pretty poor job of handling my personal finances for many reasons, namely – unsteady income, no budgeting and impulsive spending. Still, even as a free spirited freelancer, I’ve always wanted security. Savings, investments, assets are all very appealing yet elusive concepts to me. If you can relate to this, I believe there is hope for us.

For the majority of my life I’ve worked in an off the books capacity. For years I hustled my survival, bringing home cash. My income was as erratic as me. After I turned 18 I was reporting my taxes wild inaccurately not because I wanted to, but because there was hardly any paper trail to the money I had made and spent. All I really had was bank statements with cash deposits and debits made to cover the bills I was paying. Any simple accountant could look at my statements and know I was up to small time shady shit in my teens and early twenties. Instead of trying to track my income I said “fuck it”, deciding I was too small of a fish for the IRS to care. Nowadays, I don’t care about getting audited, I care about knowing my financial behavior. That being said, the most important lesson I learned is: Just because my income is erratic, does not mean my money habits and finances have to be too. I may not know exactly how much I’m going to make every month like Sally Salary, but I do know that whatever I do make will be recorded so that I can analyze, budget, save and invest.

ANALYZE

I use financial apps on my iPhone to make things easier. Mint plugs in all my bank, credit, and loan accounts and gives me a financial analysis. Foreceipt lets me snap and save my receipts quickly so I don’t have to hoard paper receipts. I also keep track of everything in a spreadsheet. I made the spreadsheet template I use available here. Basically the spreadsheet tracks your different sources of income, your expenses, sets a budget for spending and a goal for earning. You can customize the pay periods and pretty much anything else about it that you want. Simple and basic, but filling it out will give you a lot of insight into your financial habits. Taking an Adderall before you do it will also help A LOT. When I did this for the first time, I was APPALLED at myself. The amount of money I spent on eating at restaurants was atrocious, there were months where I spent more on shopping than on all my other expenses combined. I realized I was a hot financial mess. But I didn’t let it discourage me, I let go of judging and berating myself for the past and focused on what I could change and set goals and budgets.

BUDGET

I think the best way to stick to a budget is to establish a realistic one. A realistic budget takes into account any regular vice expenditures that may not show up on traditional budgets. Meaning if you smoke hella weed or buy drinks at bars every weekend or spend money on sex workers or get lots of tattoos, and you have no plans to stop, put it in your budget. Leaving out shit you know you will spend money on is setting yourself up to fail at budgeting. I’m realistic about my weed and shopping habits, so I allow myself an allotment to indulge. Setting a budget for your vices seems tricky but it’s easy once you’ve analyzed your finances and know how many shady ATM withdrawals you make every month.

When budgeting be forgiving and give yourself some wiggle room, I give myself a $200 “whatever comes up” allotment in case I overspend on any of my budget items or shit happens i.e. traffic tickets, phone bill overages, medical emergency, car problem, you get the idea. Ideally, for every month that shit doesn’t happen, you roll over that $200 into an emergency fund that you keep growing, IDEALLY.

#GOALS

As a freelancer, having financial goals is just as important as having a budget IMO. We don’t have a guaranteed income and we don’t have external forces pushing us to work so we need to create internal forces (goals) to push us to work and earn what we want. A good way to set financial goals is to set larger life goals. In order to do this I make a “Passion Roadmap”.

I learned this trick from the instructions in my Passion Planner. You can either buy a physical version (and use literalporn@gmail.com as your reference!) or if you follow this link the planner is available for download for free. Download it and read the third or fourth page that’s titled “Your Passion Roadmap” and do the activity. Basically you spend 5 minutes making a comprehensive list of goals, short term and long term, realistic and far fetched. Once you make the list you pick 4 goals that would have the most immediate positive effect on your life. You take those goals and then map out how to achieve them. It’s an easy and practical approach to figuring out what you desire out of life, what desires are best for your life, and how to achieve those desires. Here’s how it looks in action:

My big long term goal is to become a sex therapist, in order to achieve that I need to achieve these smaller goals

  1. Save money for grad school application process & tuition
  2. Study for and pass GRE’s
  3. Research & visit universities
  4. Apply to grad school
  5. Finish grad school
  6. Do my certification hours

Notice the building block to making any of these goals happen is MONEY, thus goal number 1 is the most important. Take your building block goal and do the same thing you did to your long term goal, extrapolate the smaller steps needed to achieve the goal. How it looks in action, again:

Save money for grad school application process and tuition

  1. Work/hustle/whatever you do to make money
  2. Spend less on XYZ
  3. Start a savings
  4. Put at least $XXX in savings every month

Notice the pattern? You can do this ad infinitum, breaking down goals into smaller goals into even smaller goals, do this until you reach a tangible step you feel you can take. Using this method you can turn the biggest mountain of a goal into tangible baby steps that are easy to take. Like my budget, it is crucial for me to keep my goals easy to meet. By setting the bar low I don’t defeat or discourage myself. To counteract the complacency that comes with setting the bar low, I get competitive with myself and try to beat my financial goal by a certain percentage. Trying to beat my own record every month becomes a personal game after a while.

SAVING AND INVESTING

I am by no means a financial expert on saving and investing, I cannot recommend the best savings plan for you, I cannot tell you about what stock options are hot. What I can tell you, is how you can go from being a financial mess to saving and investing small sums of money. The key for savings and investing to work for me personally is, it has to be automatic and it has to be small unnoticeable amounts with the option for me to invest big chunks when I feel like it. So, given these parameters this is what I did.

Instead of opening a savings account which requires $XXX to open up and maintain, I opened a Google Wallet account and hooked it up to my checking account. From there I set up a regular deposit to my Google Wallet from the app, a tiny amount, an amount I wouldn’t even notice, $1.50. Sometimes when I’m feeling baller I’ll transfer double digits into my Google Wallet. I plan on doing this until I feel I have enough money to move to a more substantial and permanent savings routine.

For investing, I opened up an account with one of the many financial investment apps out there. I use Acorns (if you use my Acorns referral link, you get $5 free to start your investment account). Basically, the model of these apps is simple. It links to your bank account and either makes a tiny investment every time you spend, or you set it up to invest $X dollars however often you want. The people who run the app invest the money for you and you can withdraw the money at anytime. Acorns has a feature where you can set the aggressiveness of your investment strategy. So far it’s been going well and I can happily report my investment is in the triple digits without my even realizing it’s gone from my account.

LASTLY

You will fuck up. You will not stick to your budget all the time. This is okay. Keep going.

These are the top 5 shoes that make my pussy dry up and what they say about the guy wearing them.

1.Uggs

Guys who wear Uggs often snowboard or surf. Why do guys need wool lined boots to frolic on the beach? I don’t know. But snowboarders swear by how warm and comfortable they are. You know what else is really warm and comfortable? Really thick woolen socks and a pair of TImberland boots, and you get the added benefit of not looking like the douchebag in the picture above. When a guy wears UGGS you almost have to respect how little fucks he gives about what people think. Men who wear Uggs are a rare breed. Mainly because Darwinian.laws are driving them towards extinction.

2. Vans Slip Ons

Yo white dudes, why do you refuse to wear socks with these particular shoes? I see y’all out here in socks with sandals all the time but never socks with Vans slip ons. Guys who used to skateboard and had cokedreams of becoming Tony Hawk/Rob Dyrdek love these shoes and always wear beanies with them (see above). I’m not as aesthetically opposed to these shoes as I am to the smell that’s born when a guy wears them barefoot all summer long. You think throwing some foot powder in it is gonna fix it? Nah doggie. Guys that own these shoes always have dwellings that smell like ass because of the shoes in question.

3. Birkenstocks

If you own Birkenstocks I automatically question your personal hygiene, I can also safely assume you own at least one article of tie dyed clothing and a bong. Birkenstocks scream “I like stuff white people with dreadlocks like, heck I might even be a white person with dreadlocks.” If you’re wearing these I’m gonna assume you know where I can get some acid and good shrooms but I’ll also roll my eyes when you start talking about Phish.

4. Tevas

There are only two stages of life in which a guy wears Tevas. One is in childhood at sleepaway camp. Oh you didn’t go to sleepaway camp? You didn’t wear Tevas then. The second stage is when you’re a Dad. But not just any kind of Dad, a Nature Dad.  You can catch Nature Dad taking his kids on vacation to a National Park or engaging in activities such as white water rafting and hiking. Nature Dads love to wear their velcro Tevas with socks and those weird white man sunglasses that reflect orange and come with a rubber safety strap, because God forbid he loses those sweet sunglasses during one of his nature hikes.

5. Vibram Toe Shoes

Yo just look at these fucking things. There is absolutely no situation or context in which this footwear it acceptable. I don’t care if these are magical shoes that let Terio do parkour style jumps and fly, they’re still an awwww nawwww. I went on a hiking date with an OKCupid guy and he wore these. I brutally ridiculed him the whole time because I couldn’t contain my repulsion. He started talking about how they were aerodynamic or some shit, I didn’t return his texts.